Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Calling all Ex-Girlfriends

Listen bitches—I am sick and tired of cleaning up the messes you left behind. It is pretty obvious that many women aren’t doing their jobs as girlfriends and lovers.

The evidence: men who don’t know how to fuck. Even worse are those that don’t even know that they don’t know how to fuck.

This is disgraceful. So help me if I have to teach yet another man how to romp around in bed I am going to Scream. I want hazard pay or a tax write-off or something. My sample size isn’t nearly high enough to be definitive—but I am suspicious that this is all too common.

What is wrong with you women? How long have some of you dated these men? One year, two, three, five? You put up with bad or mediocre sex for Five Years. Shameful.

I completed law school, passed the bar, and learned to work as a lawyer in five years—imagine the sexual skills these boys could have learned in five years if you would have done your job. Imagine the great sex you missed out on in five years.

No instead you compromise or downright lie and these men walk away from the relationship thinking that they are competent lovers. So not only do I have to teach them, but I have to try not to wound their precious egos during the deprogramming process. Fucking Bitches—do your jobs! It is incredible to me that there are men in their late twenties who have been in long term relationships and still don’t know how to fuck. Damn you all to Hell. I sincerely hope that you are cursed with shitty sex for the rest of your lives.

There is absolutely no reason for this. If my mom can learn to use the internet in a few months, then men can be taught to fuck well over the course of several years.

Besides, I am possibly the last person in the world who should be designated to navigate the minefield at the intersection of Sexual Performance Street and Male Ego Avenue. I am crass. I am blunt. I am not sensitive. I am a Taurus forced into a china shop. Thankfully I am smart enough to know that I have to rein in my tactlessness—but it is Damn Hard, and I chafe under this restriction. I am a lawyer, not a pre-school teacher for a reason—nurturing and sympathy are not my default settings. Yet you lazy, sniveling cuntrags push this burden onto me. Fuck you, poorly.

Hint: Do NOT simply complain, whine or snicker to your girlfriends if your boyfriend isn’t doing it for you. They won’t be able to help. He is the person who needs to know—bitching behind his back won’t improve the situation (although venting is good).

No the teaching process is not fun—but you are only making it harder for everyone now that they are set in their boring ways.

If you are dating a boy who sucks in bed, please take immediate action. First let him know and offer to help him learn how to be better, and then follow through. If he doesn’t put effort into trying—then dump his ass and specifically inform him that it is because he is a bad lay.


If you haven’t figured it out, I am concerned that the boy I am dating might need some sexual reprogramming. My fingers are crossed that it is just nerves, because generally boys who adore me are too nervous to feel comfortable during our first few interactions, which is fine and understandable. But honestly, I do NOT want to have to lay down a ton of groundwork for some decent sex.

This rant actually is motivated by boys in my past who are causing me to be skittish about the situation with the boy in my present.

So, the next time I see the current boy, I am tossing my cards on the table, along with my expectations and desires. Hopefully he can alleviate these fears or at least enthusiastically sign up for lessons. Everyone else cross your fingers on my belhalf too, lest my blog turn into the Bed of Awkwardness.


At 12:23 PM, Anonymous Jim said...

Hmmm. Now what little confidence I had in my own ability to get the job done is pretty much gone.

At 5:24 PM, Blogger Megan said...

This is a great rant, but now, now I need to know details! Share the knowledge...

At 10:24 PM, Anonymous dan said...

I wouldn't mind some lessons.

At 3:39 PM, Blogger George said...


Good rant but the only thing I disagree with is where you said the teaching process is not fun.

Learning how to do new stuff and showing your partner new things is half the fun. The other half is actually doing the new stuff ya just learned.

At 9:33 AM, Blogger Sascha said...

I think the part she's talking about is the having to be sensitive part while they do a bunch of stuff wrong. My favorites are a complete inability to think anything on the body is an erogenous zone except for the two forbidden zones and thinking that more pressure is always better.

It's hard to talk about this stuff and unfortunately, leading by example doesn't always work. I hear your pain sister!

At 11:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

While I agree wholeheartedly with your sentiments, this post displays a breathtaking lack of respect and compassion for your new friend, Paul (who you so "charmingly" refer to as "the boy").

There are many ways you could have handled this situation - you chose the worst - public humiliation by emasculation. You betrayed his trust.

I expect we'll be reading about how he dumped you in the near future.

At 4:13 PM, Blogger jojo said...

Sascha: You understand. The 'tiptoing on eggshells around a man's sexual ego' is not something to look forward to.

A: Reading comprehension is a great thing.


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