Saturday, December 18, 2004

Matt's Birthday

Background: Matt is my ex-boyfriend, and recently I have developed a wee crush on him. I dated him last winter between Mike Round I and Round II. I adored Matt and I still do. We have only seen each other a handful of times since we broke up, and when we do, we have a strong connection, chemistry and usually end up spending most of the evening speaking exclusively to one another. Several times our friends assumed that we hooked up because we were still deep in conversation when they left. Some of these friends don't understand why we broke up and why we don't date again. To be honest neither do I. We had a sort of weird weekend together in several ways: he rode on Critical Mass with me, putting him outside of his comfort zone and we had a serious discussion about my job search and where I want my life to go. Then on Monday he called and said that he didn't think we could fall in love so was breaking it off. He thought that this might be a big mistake, but couldn't imagine how worse it would be a year or so later. He said that I was one of the coolest people he ever met and that he liked me more than any other woman he dated. Agggghhh!

So yes, I still adore this boy and would love to have a second shot with him because we seemed to be so amazingly compatible with one another. Intellectually we are about equals, our politics are pretty similar--but different enought to make our discussions intense and challenging, we laughed all of the time, he is beautiful (to me at least) and it just worked.

I saw him again a few weeks ago and he was really pleased that I was working and seemed to somehow view me differently. It wasn't as if he ever lacked respect for me about this when we were dating, but I felt like he viewed me with more respect after hearing me talk about working. Last night his friend Lisa planned a birthday outing for him. I wasn't on the list, but he requested that a mutual friend invite me. I went to the blues bar and we spent a lot of time speaking to each other. Once when we were talking, with Lisa behind me, I noticed that he winked at her. It was also obvious that he had been having conversations about me with some of our mutual friends. I told him about my raise and he said he wasn't surprised at all because he understood my difficulty obtaining a job, but had no doubts that I would excel at any job I did. I had a really great time and adore him all the more.

So anyway--that is Matt. My ex who I have a lot of respect for along with a silly little crush.

I just don't know what to do about all of this though. I want to spend more time with him, but I don't quite trust my motivations. I hate the thought of being the pathetic girl mooning over her ex. At the same time, I really think we could be great friends and I miss our conversations. The more time I spend with my bikey friends, the more left-leaning & radical I become. M is the best person I have found to discuss social/economic issues because he is crazy-smart and rational. Dumber people let me crush them in this type of discussion because they lack the analytical skills to catch weaknesses in my arguments. He is sharp and economic in his reasoning and doesn't let me get away with wussy bullshit arguments. Regular discussions with him would force me to scrutinize my opinions more and hopefully lead to better opinions and solutions. Basically he is one of my favorite people to discuss important issues with because he is smart, reasonable, realistic and good. He cares about social issues and isn't racist but is completely pragmatic--a rarity it often seems. This makes him the perfect counterpart to me by tempering my pollyannaish tendencies and keeping me from being a lazy-liberal by forcing me to answer tough questions that my other lefty friends would never ask.

If there was any ever doubt before, this resolves that I am a true dork. I have a crush on a boy because we had fantastic socio-economic discussions. What ever is more romantic than whispers of free markets and the exteralization of cost? Since this is honestly what I miss the most from our relationship, there is no reason I can't get it from being friends with the boy. It would be a lot easier if he didn't remain so adorable and make memories of wrestling and cuddling pop up unwanted in my mind.

Anyway, Happy Birthday Matt. You are as adorable at 27 as you were at 26. I hope my recent crush on you fades quickly so we can friends without any lingering weirdness.


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